not just about art anymore

When all else fails, write it down. That’s what people tell me to do, anyway.

It’s hard to constantly assess my artwork when something much bigger is going on in my brain, and has been for a long while. My crippling anxiety seems to have pushed everything else away, and made itself the priority in my life. It’s hard to accept that it has  happened again, and that I’m facing the massive struggle that won’t move for anything.

So much has happened since I last posted on here that I can’t think how to sum it all up.

Something triggered my anxiety a couple of months ago, and since then I’ve reverted back into an anxious hopeless version of myself that I genuinely thought would never come back. When you beat something and all the help stops because you’re well again, you think that must be the end of it and you’ll be okay from here on out. Yeah…I was wrong about that.

Ive felt loneliness, fear and hopelessness like I haven’t felt in years. The speed at which this has all happened is remarkable. I commend my body, mind and anxiety for plummeting so fast into the shitty place ive spent years climbing out of. Really, its quite unbelievable how fast I’ve broken again. It’s a shame that I inevitably won’t be able to heal in the same short time. Why is it that healing takes so much longer than the break?

I don’t quite know where I’m going from here. Living day by day is how I do things now. I’ve lost a stone in weight since this all started, so every mealtime is a fresh struggle. I’ve lost the confidence to even leave the house, so every outing is another challenge.

But sometimes, some part of me recognises that pre-anxiety Ellen was happy and excited for the future. She could eat every meal and go out with friends. She was enjoying her fresh start. She was looking at anxious Ellen through the mist, and was glad and grateful not to be there.

But now I am here. And now I look to the happy hopeful version of myself, but I can only glimpse flickers of her, before she disappears again.

I hope I find her soon.

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