journal entry – 02/04/17 – sometime late at night
i feel terrified of my own body, even though all it’s doing is feeling. Like a fear of the future, it’s a fear of the unknown. Sometimes i cant’t understand what my body is trying to tell me, which means i have to judge the situation on my own, with just my brain. And while I misinterpret my body, i just cannot comprehend my mind
I barely remember writing this, I was so close to sleep – but I guess it made things clearer. I’ve always viewed my body and my mind as two very separate things that are constantly fighting each other, or me (my soul..?).
The soul is something I rarely lose. I can feel crap because of my body feeling rubbish or my mind giving me anxiety – but there’s always a little part of me that can make art, or smile when my friends give me hugs, or look forward to a happier healthier future. Some days are better than others, sometimes the hope is buried deep. But its almost always there.
I think that has been the difference this time. I feel it is back now, but a few weeks ago I had no hope, no motivation, no desire to be loved or to love because it all seemed like a mockery of me, some fucking stupid tiny person who would never get better.
(At this point, I realise I was going to try to make this a more positive post than my last. Sorry about that. Lets try again.)
BUT ON A POSITIVE NOTE
Today I made art that I was proud of, and despite the body vs mind battle constantly affecting me, I actually felt hopeful that I could make something of this. That I might just make some art for the final show that will look cool.
P.s. – this blog mayn’t often be cheerful. I wish it could be, but thats not me at the moment. If you don’t like that, the door is is the red button up in the top left corner of your screen