complete admiration

alternative title: ‘unrelenting jealousy’

Today I visited a small art gallery in my hometown, which I have been in a few times before. Immediately I was drawn to a stack of etchings that were new into the gallery, by an artist called Laurie rudling. I found myself feeling quite emotional at how beautiful and delicate the little etchings were. Perhaps this is because I myself have been etching in the print room at university, so I know the work and effort that goes into it. I began studying the marks in detail, and trying to work out how the artist achieved all the layers and marks. By this point I probably looked a bit peculiar to the gallery owner…

I looked around the rest of the gallery, and some of the work was amazing – but I couldn’t stop looking at these etchings.

I can’t afford to buy any of them, but if I could, I would. To feel this inspired by looking at a single artwork is so rare and so incredible.

Also today, some have my friends have posted beautiful photos of themselves looking utterly gorgeous and photogenic; and others have chatted about how happy they are at the moment, how fulfilled they feel. I look at them and am immediately grateful that these lovely souls, who make me a happier person, are in my life.

But amongst all of this admiration, I cannot help but feel jealousy. With the positive emotions always seems to come a negative. I find myself smiling, but simultaneously looking at myself in comparison and feeling disappointed.

Basically, I felt like a crap artist who could never make any work like in that gallery. I felt like an ugly person who could never be as pretty and photogenic, and I felt like a negative person who makes blog posts about being a negative person and who cant seem to just enjoy life.

How do I even begin to fix that?


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